Happy Birthday Lela!

My dearest Lela,

Today, you turn one year old! I’m so proud of the little girl you have become, but I’m already missing the tiny infant you once were. I’m completely blown away by just how quickly a year can pass. But most of all, I’m just awestruck by the sheer, overwhelming vastness of the love in my heart for you, my firstborn baby girl. My goal is for this letter to be the beginning of an annual birthday tradition. In part, because you’re too little to understand now but I want you to be able to look back on these words and have some idea of how much and how wonderfully you changed my life. But almost more importantly, because I know that as you grow up it may not be as easy to communicate my love and appreciation of you. Yes, I dread the inevitable day when you are no longer willing to let me grab you up in my arms and smother you in kisses. I hope that this yearly letter will always provide the opportunity for me to remind you that I love you utterly and unconditionally and that I am thankful for each and every day you have been in my life.

Without question, this past year has been momentous. It started so abruptly with your early arrival. I admit that I was a bit terrified the moment we met, waiting anxiously for the doctors to tell me that you would be OK. The second time we met, in the NICU as they nurses wheeled me down to the recovery room, I was almost equally scared and hormonal and loopy and I didn’t have time to drink you in. It was the third time we met that I fell instantly and hopelessly in love with you. It helped that you have been a terrific baby. I almost feel guilty bragging about you to friends who have had babies who are more challenging. Of course, there are the usual standards by which to judge an “easy” baby: You went to bed easily and slept through the night; you rarely cried or fussed for no reason and you always calmed down quickly once your need was met; you were flexible and could nap anywhere (car, stroller, restaurant, friends’ house) as long as you had a paci and your swaddle blanket. All of those qualities are/were wonderful and helped make your parents’ lives so much easier, giving us more time to love and enjoy you (and to sleep!). But you have other qualities that have etched more distinct memories in my mind, things that I hope to never forget:

The way you snorted and grunted in your sleep as a tiny preemie, except when you were laying kangaroo style on my chest you would be completely silent and calm.

That you love to grab one of my fingers and you pull on it and massage it like a prayer bead as you soothe yourself to sleep.

The way your face lights up and your eyes crinkle when you smile.

That you smile so often and so readily.

The way you can entertain yourself for long periods, playing with your stacking rings or “reading” your books or cruising circles around the coffee table, but you like to periodically look up to make sure that I’m still watching you and that I’m not far away.

That even though you are outgoing and happy to play with new friends, you will first give a shy smile and bashfully turn your head into my shoulder when a new person comes to admire you.

That you fearlessly embrace things that are new and unusual or different.

The way you wrinkle your nose and grin at me when you are pleased with yourself.

That your joy is infectious.

That right now I am your favorite person in the world.

Now that your personality has really started to emerge, I’m excited to see the little person you will grow up to become. I’m excited to see what the next year has in store for us. And even though I’m a bit sad to see you move further away from your babyhood, I’m excited at the same time that you are growing towards the age where we can be friends and have conversations. I’m looking forward to mother-daughter mani/pedi days. I want to teach you how to ride a bike and how to kick a ball and to let you play dress-up in my closet. And as you grow into the little girl who is capable of doing all of those things, I hope I have the strength and wisdom to be the best parent I can be. I will do my best to watch you, love you, protect you, support you, and also to back away and let you learn and grow on your own.

Until this time next year….

I love you always and forever,

Mama